


Answers

by memes4gayteens



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, F/M, Genderfluid Butters, M/M, Ok so like, Other, Secret Admirer, and yes, cartman and butters are close friends, cartman's grown up to an extent, drug mention but they dont actually do drugs, everyone is friends in some way, he isnt as insufferable as he was before but he's still p infuriating at times, i can do what i want, kyle has self-esteem issues, sooooo, the more chapters i write the more i realize everyone in this is p sad, they paint each others nails, this is so gay wtf, tweek is a lil shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-08 07:40:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6845467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memes4gayteens/pseuds/memes4gayteens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyle's got a secret admirer, and geez, can you believe the trouble he goes through just to find out who?</p><p>It was staring him right in the face the entire time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Keep Finding Pieces of You

**Author's Note:**

> This is the product of a prompt I got an eternity ago. Anyway, this is just the first chapter, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

It was a relatively normal day when I found something I had never thought I'd receive. I was talking to Stan the moment it happened, and honestly, I don't remember a time I'd been more confused. We were walking to my shitty locker after study hall because I had to switch books for the next few classes I had, but when I opened my locker, I found it there. It was just a neatly folded piece of paper resting on my organized belongings.

If only I'd known then that the seemingly minor piece of paper was something that would quickly leave me speechless. Stan was immediately curious-most likely because he'd never seen me so quiet over a little piece of paper, but other than that, it was a relatively normal day. I could have gone on ignoring it, but the raw need to open it and find out what was inside picked and prodded at my mind. I decided it was safe to open, and it wasn't until I saw how much time was taken into creating it that it all dawned on me. 

I found a poem precisely folded in my locker with neat handwriting, and signed by anonymous. 

Each day passes by with a new note, and I'm a bit overwhelmed. I practically dread going through my book or locker because that's where I always find the thoughtful pieces of parchment. It's alarming, too, I'm receiving these things everywhere! It's insane! I don't know how this person is getting each one into my stuff, but it's creepy to an extent, so every note puts me more on edge. I'm also absolutely furious because what kind of asshole would pull a joke this awful?

Unfortunately, I'm not completely sure it is a joke, but I just simply assume it is because there is no way in hell that I have a secret admirer! Those types of things only happen in rom coms and last time I checked, I'm not in one of those. 

It's all perplexing, for once I don't know who to question, or who to go to for advice. I always know Stan is an option, but as of the moment, I'm not quite sure I want to tell him. Especially not since he keeps pestering me about the subject in the first place. If there's one thing I don't like it's being constantly bothered about something I was originally going to do. It makes me want to not tell him about the notes. I thought that by now he'd know that, but I guess not. As was being said beforehand, I'm a bit stuck on what to do.

It's not until I'm disrupted from my thoughts by the sound of a metal stool being dragged across the linoleum floor that I finally come down to reality. I turn to my left side to see a freckled face and a huge grin. Kenny's got his sleeves rolled up and lead pencils along with paper clutched in one hand while the other rubs at one side of a white eraser. His baby blue eyes are playful and bright as he takes a seat next to me.

"Hey there, firefox, what's shakin'?" Kenny asks, mischief in his expressive eyes. He's completely facing me and eagerly awaiting my response.

"Nothin' much, Ken, just thinking," I answer vaguely. 

I can almost feel the latest note burning a hole in my back pocket as he scrutinizes me; his grin gone in favor of pursed lips and unsatisfied curiosity. I have the slightest suspicion that Kenny knows something I don't, but then again, he mostly always does. He's like some overgrown child that turns into a wize old man when you least expect it, yet it's always at the right time. His nitpicking mind and nosiness tends to also be a large contribution to his ever-growing expanse of knowledge on everyone and everything. Even though Kenny knows the answer to seemingly every question, he only tells you what you need to know when you need to know it.

These goddamn notes aren't doing good things to my mental health anyway, I minus well just tell him. He's not the first person I'd thought I would tell, though.

Ah, fuck it, I sigh internally as I shove my hand into my back pocket to show Kenny the poem. His eyes are fucking sparkling now, like I have something fun for him to pour his attention into instead of the crudely drawn dicks on his paper. I suppose anything's better than having to succumb to the need of drawing penises on paper to fight boredom.

I huff out a laugh at that and begin unfolding the meticulously folded piece of paper. Its creases are more prominent since I've been reading it over and over throughout the school day. The moment I begin to do so, Kenny shifts his position, his knees resting on the stool as the upper half of his body lays on the large art table while he grabs for the paper. I move it away from his grubby hands just in time, and in return I get a loud, high pitched whine.

Kenny's annoying whine gets the attention of a few other people who are working nearby. In response to the noise Clyde raises his head to look around the room and I watch Tweek violently flinch. Bebe puts her arm around Tweek's waist to comfort his tense form while Clyde shrugs. Tweek goes back to mixing random pigments of paint after he's relaxed once again, but Bebe locks her eyes with my own and I already know she's going to make her way over.

Goddamn you, Kenny, is the only thing I think as I hear Bebe get up from her spot and say, "I'll be back right away, coffee bean. Lemme go see what Ken's bitchin' about." Tweek smiles up at her, his doe eyes soft with fondness, but then he says, "k-kick his ass for me, Bebe."

I let out the most unattractive, disgusting snort in the entire god forsaken world, and instantly cover my mouth in horror. I glance at Kenny in panic, but his eyes pinched up at the sides due to his enormous smile. He's basically laughing at me-come on, Kenny, let it out already, you ass. Bebe does that for him, though. She walks towards us hunched over. Her hands are grasping at nearby tables as she makes her way over and shoves her face in my bony shoulder. Her airy laughter rings pleasantly in my ear until she regains her composure. 

"Okay, Kyle," she breathes while she wipes tears of mirth from her eyes. "That was not something I ever expected from you, but I'm so glad I witnessed it." Bebe speaks as she takes the empty seat to my right.

Kenny nods his head enthusiastically, teasing smile still in place. "It was the cutest thing ever, Kyle," he admits, and this time Bebe nods. Her own baby blues are wide and benign as a pretty smile crosses her lovely face.

I scoff and roll my eyes, "yeah, okay, that was real cute of me."

"It was," Bebe counters. She quickly notices the disbelief on my face and promptly yells across the room. "Kyle's cute as heck, isn't he, Tweek?"

Tweek doesn't even glance up from his miniature canvas as he yells back a, "totally." Bebe then looks at me as if to say 'see? I told you.'

I groan, "okay, whatever, but that's not the point, alright?" I say irritated, glaring at both blondes, and they both perk up at my words. No wonder they're close friends, they've got more things in common than most people would think.

I hand Kenny the piece of paper and watch as he grabs ahold of it with utter glee. Bebe is leaning over him and reading along, her eyes widen as she proceeds to read while Ken gets a self-satisfied look on his face. I'm immediately suspicious of him and know that he can tell me exactly who's sending me these notes. Before I can open my mouth to get answers from Kenny, Bebe looks up at me with amazement in her eyes. Her mouth is in the shape of an 'o' until her eyebrows furrow and she yanks the poem out of Kenny's hands.

"Damn, Kyle, this person likes you more than I did in elementary school," she abruptly admits shamelessly.

I don't know how to respond, but before I hopelessly grasp for something to say she smiles and breathes out an approving, "good."

My face scrunches up, "what do you mean 'good'?"

She promptly hands me back the poem, smiling sweetly and simply replying with a short, "don't worry your pretty little head, Kyle." Bebe then glances over her shoulder at Tweek and her smile broadens before she turns to focus back on me. "Anyway, I gotta get back to my other freckled baby. See ya later, Ky!"

I'm left there sitting like an idiot with Kenny, watching Bebe head towards Tweek. It's Kenny who breaks the silence with, “did she just call me her freckled baby?”

I scoff, “Ken, you wish. I have freckles, too. She was talking about me.”

Kenny raises his eyebrows teasingly, “are you sure about that?”

I roll my eyes at him in faux annoyance, “puh-lease! I could create an entire new field of study on how I know Bebe was talking about me when she said that. It would have graphs and shit just to make it look more valid and intimidating.”

“Well, well, Kylie-Boy. Who woulda known you had it in you?”

I shrug and find myself smiling widely at the blond, thoroughly enjoying his company. This is good enough for me, right now. I'll interrogate Kenny later. Most likely after class, and oh, I _will_ have answers.


	2. Familiar Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle gets his nails painted with a few friends and various topics are breached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? That's right, me. This chapter probably sucks compared to the first one, but it's got a lot of interaction, I think. I actually enjoyed writing that a lot, so I hope you all enjoy reading it.  
> I will be editing this at a later date.

"No, no, wait! I want  _this_ one!" Kenny picks up one of the many tiny bottles of nail polish surrounding us from our seat on the floor.

Bebe merely raises an eyebrow at him, "are you sure? You said that about the last three."

Kenny nods his head, "it's this one, I can tell. I mainly wear orange so this blue compliments that while also drawing attention to my fabulous nails. It's what I aimed for the entire time." He rambles, and Bebe almost looks proud.

She snatches the nail polish from him and examines the color carefully, comparing it to various parts of Kenny's body. First his eyes, and then against his clothes, his hair, even next to his hands. Bebe lets out a hum and finally starts twisting the nail polish open. She observes the color closely and even does one of her own nails before deeming it a good fit.

I have to admit it's a rather charming shade of blue, not too light, yet not too dark. It fits with the brightness of the color orange often presented in Kenny's clothes. The nail polish compliments his baby blue eyes while simultaneously emphasizing them. It's kind of beautiful if I'm completely honest, and it's no wonder Bebe wants to be a cosmetologist.

_She's really good at it, too._

I continue to watch as Bebe sets the nail polish to the side and starts filing Kenny's nails. It's at this point that Tweek returns from the kitchen with his freshly brewed coffee. He promptly takes a seat on the floor with the rest of us, setting his mug a fair distance away, and starts typing out something on his phone. He's most likely texting Craig.

"What's up, sugarplum?" 

Tweek glances up from his phone straight into Kenny's curious eyes, "none of your damn business."

This, however, does not deter Kenny. His previous smile is now a full blown grin as Bebe lets out a quite, "get rekt" under her breath while working.

"Come on, Tweek,  _baby."_

Tweek huffs and shoves his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. "God damn it, Kenny, I can't ever get a c-cute message from my boyfriend without you burying you-your nose in my business as if- _gah_ -it were cocaine!" His doe eyes narrow slightly and his eyebrows furrow. Kenny, on the other hand, just laughs as I shake my head at his behavior. I give Tweek a sympathetic look, but he ignores it in favor of being irritated. To be fair, I would do the exact same thing.

Bebe shushes the enthusiastic blond, "Kenny, stop being an ass to Tweek or else I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass it _won't_ be pleasurable," she threatens.

"Oooh, is that a promise?" He responds with a flirty tone of voice. 

Despite trying to remain angry, Bebe still cracks a smile. Tweek then lets out a loud groan and lays back onto the carpet, staring right up at the ceiling. His unruly hair naturally fans out around the carpet floor, fluffy blond locks appealing to the eyes. I have to admit that Tweek is aesthetically pleasing--he's gorgeous to look at. He's got big, doe eyes and freckles that sprinkle across his features. Tweek's got a button nose and a boyish face, and is rather tiny in regards to height. Nowhere near as short as Kenny, though, that's for sure. Overall, Tweek is just a really good looking person despite the dark circles that remain under his eyes from lack of sleep. He's thin and very obviously awkward with band-aids adorning various parts of his body with anxiously bitten nails, but it's extraordinary. 

_No wonder Craig is always taking pictures._

"Whatever," Tweek huffs with blatant irritation.

Bebe glances fondly at the other blond, "it's alright, coffee bean. Here, why don't you start painting Kyle's nails?" She sets down the nail polish she's been using on Ken and grabs a dark green color. Bebe inspects it and then hands it over to Tweek who nods his thanks to her.

Tweek then looks up at me, "do you mind if I...?" He vaguely motions towards my hands.

Realization finally hits me as I utter out a loud, "oh! Of course not," and practically shove my hands into his face. 

I can imagine that I look  _pretty_ horrified at my behavior because Tweek lets out a laugh before grabbing a hold of my right hand. Kenny also seems pretty amused while I flounder for an apology. Not to mention, an excuse for acting like a total weirdo. I don't think I really have a reason, though. Other than, well...

"So, Kyle,"  _oh, here we go._

"Yeah?" My voice raises in pitch and I squint my eyes as if awaiting my inevitable death.

"That note from earlier," Bebe enunciates each word with meaning that I'm afraid to look too far into. 

I attempt to focus on Tweek who has the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration. I'm not entirely sure if he's focusing on trying to get his hands to shake less or actually applying the nail polish to my nails. Either way, he eventually manages to get started and appears less tense as he progresses. That, however, doesn't stop him from adding in his own two cents to the shit storm of a conversation that is about to begin. 

"Yeah, what even was that about? I think it-it's only fair that I know, too."

I sigh, "I know, but I can't pull it out of my pocket," Tweek immediately looks up at me and raises an eyebrow.

"You're doing my nails!" I say defensively.

Tweek clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes, "right." He then puts the bottle of nail polish down and pulls out his phone again. I lean closer to him and watch as he sends Craig a text that fills me with instant dread.

"Noooo, no, no, no, Tweek. Buddy, please, don't. Have mercy," I beg.

Tweek sends the text and gives me a pointed stare, "yeah, I've ne-never heard of that just like  _you_ somehow can't m-manage to pull out that note."

_Well, damn, he's got me there._

Kenny begins to guffaw at my current situation, and I, very politely, give him the finger. 

"I'm sorry, Kyle-actually, I'm not. I love Tweek so much," he declares through his own laughter.

"Oh, sweetie," Bebe coos. "Everybody loves Tweek."

Tweek scoffs, "damn right."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise, "woah, okay, where did this confidence come from and where can I get some?"

Bebe abruptly seems startled, "Kyle-"

Kenny quickly interrupts, "woah, woah,  _woah!_ Kyle, are you telling me you don't have any confidence?" Ken's obviously joking at first, but soon his baby blues are scrutinizing me because I decided to stay quiet instead of play it off. I can't help but try to shrink into myself when I notice his features soften in a manner that almost seems sad at my own lack of self-esteem. 

Tweek lets out a soft hum, "it's not easy, Kyle. It's something that takes lots of- _agh_ -time." I stare down at my half finished nails, "but that doesn't mean it's impossible." I look up and am met with with a caring smile. Tweek then shrugs, "I don't know if this matters to you, but I th-think you're pretty attrac-attractive."

That brings a smile to my face, "thanks, Tweek."

"Craig is still coming, though. You should j-just give me the note with your other hand so he doesn't search you for me."

My eyes widen, "would he...would he really?"

Tweek doesn't even bat an eyelash or look bothered when he nods his head.

Kenny snorts, "don't tell him that, he'll want Craig to search him. Actually, if I tell you  _I_ have the note, can I get Craig to search me instead?"

"You wish," Bebe laughs.

"As if, McCormick," Tweek adds as I reach into my back pocket to pull out my note from earlier in order to show Tweek.

Kenny mockingly raises a hand to his chest in faux offense, ignoring Bebe's strict warning about his nails, "Tweek! How dare you hurt a maiden's frail feelings?"

"Frail feelings?" I tease.

"What? I can't have a severely sensitive heart? Is that what you are insinuating, Kyle? That I, Kenny McCormick, cannot physically possess a fragile heart? If you think that, the only thing I have to say is you must not know me well enough then 'cause I am as delicate as a flower."

"Alright, alright, we get it, Ken," Bebe rolls her eyes at him, but she's got a smile on her face. 

She then catches sight of the note in my hand and lets out a sound of excitement. Bebe moves closer to where Tweek and I are sitting, and so does Kenny because he doesn't want to be out of the gossip loop.

"I still remember bits and pieces from it, actually," Bebe says.

I gaze at her with incredulity, "you what?"

Bebe puts the locks of hair obscuring her view behind her ear before continuing, "I remember some of it," she repeats.

"But like, why?"

Bebe merely shrugs and Ken adds, "it's a weird half-assed talent she has. It's kind of cool, to be honest."

"Smoke fills my lungs as you continue to burn," she recites. "You're fiery and passionate and you fill my suffering lungs. I'm burning and you remain untouched by it all even though it consumes you, and that's what I don't understand. How can you be set ablaze and yet, never feel the effects when it continuously fucks me up every time?"

"Okay,  _wow,_ " Tweek breathes. "That is some impressive shit. Give me that note," he demands while snatching it out of my hands and unfolding it. Bebe then grabs it from Tweek whose face scrunches up in slight anger. Bebe pats him on the back, "I'll read it aloud for you, babe. I actually want to read it one more time."

Tweek sighs in defeat, "sure."

Bebe clears her throat, preparing to read the note aloud to us. For some reason, my heart starts hammering in my chest. I don't know if it's the anxiety or the thought that someone dedicated time to this-no, to  _me._ They dedicated time to me, and I've never thought of myself as particularly amazing, so I don't completely understand  _why._

I tense up when Bebe opens her mouth and the very familiar words fill the space between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.I.P. in peace bcz of the cliffhanger. 
> 
> Next chapter you'll find out what it says. lol maybe idk I could totally just leave it like that.


	3. You'll Never Like Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is them bonding and reading the very small note. It also gets sad.

Maybe it was the fact that one more person would become subject to the heartfelt words written only for my eyes, but I abruptly feel highly uncomfortable. These words were written with such care, such precaution and thought, and yet here I am practically parading around this person's note to me. Although I would like to make it seem like that's what is concerning me the most right now, I'm not that good of a person. I'm also uncomfortable about how this puts a certain spotlight on me. 

_What does this person even see in me?_

"Smoke fills my lungs as you continue to burn. You're fiery and passionate and you fill my suffering lungs. I'm burning and you remain untouched by it all even though it consumes you, and that's what I don't understand. How can you be set ablaze and yet, never feel the effects when it continuously fucks me up?

I let out a breath of laughter as I realize that Bebe probably only remembered the beginning of the poem. It's still pretty impressive, though.

"I tripped upon this burning house when I first met you, and I watched in utter amazement as you contained the flames while also letting them rage violently. It's beauty and destruction all at once, and maybe that's why I found you so fascinating. You're all clenched fists and narrowed eyes, and _'how do I know I can't do this if I never try?'_ You're aiming for so much more-something that refuses to be put out. You're- _ohhh no, this part breaks my heart_ _."_ Bebe cries out.

Her face contorts into an expression of sadness, and Tweek grabs the note out of her hands in frustration.

"Y-you can't just stop when it starts getting good," he attempts to reason.

Bebe crosses her arms over her chest and huffs, facing away from Tweek like a pouting child. She begins to grumble under her breath. I only hear a few words like, "you read it then" and "whatever, I don't even care."

"Right," Tweek says sarcastically in response to Bebe's muttering. He then proceeds to find where we originally left off, but I catch him slightly wince as he reads. He runs his free hand through his untamed hair and lets out a long breath of air.

"You were right," he concedes. "That part is kind of sad."

Kenny shrugs, "it's relatable, though. Haven't you ever felt like this one person was the best person in the world, but believed you weren't good enough for them?"

Tweek laughs loudly, almost bitterly "uh, yeah. My entire-agh-relationship with Craig was like that. Even whe-when we were just friends, I never felt like I deserved to be there with him, or experiencing things with the people I care about. The thing a-bout that is that it's all just bullshit. It's your insecurities convincing you you don't deserve to be loved. Do you know how long it-gah-took me to get used to being cared about?"

I frown as Tweek continues to speak. I've always been somewhat aware of how Tweek struggles, but he's never severely open about it. I don't blame him either. It's hard, baring your soul to others is relieving but it's also so draining. I'll never understand that.

Bebe scoots closer to Tweek and wraps her arms around his wiry frame, hugging him tightly.

"I love you so much, coffee bean, " she murmurs lovingly.

He automatically brightens up in Bebe's arms, resting into her body with care and comfort. It manages to bring a smile upon my face.

Kenny clears his throat, and glances away from us when we focus on him. He attempts to seem well collected, but it's easy to see he's not going to enjoy discussing a personal issue of his.

"I've never felt like I'm enough for Butters, "

There it is, Kenny's fears laid before us. It quickly fills me with a wave of miserable empathy.

"Ken..." I start.

He shakes his head, "ya know, growing up poor fucking sucks. Being poor fucking sucks, guys. I think the worst part is the people who just say, 'you're not trying hard enough! Save some money each month!' They have _no_ idea what it's like. They have the balls to look me in the eyes and tell me I'm not trying when I'm working full time, going to school, and paying for shit around the house. _You can't fucking save money when you're poor!_ I live paycheck to paycheck and use all of it to reach the lowest of the low in that guy's fucking eyes!" 

Kenny rants, his shoulders hunch and his chest begins to heave with anger. Suddenly his expression softens as he falls back onto Bebe's carpet, covering his face with his hands. "I just want the best for Karen and Butters, but what if I can't provide that? I can't fail, guys. I can't. If I do, what am I going to do?"

Nobody can answer his questions because we can't guarantee that everything is going to be okay for Karen, Butters, and him. Hell, I can't even confirm if I'll be alright. That's just life. It is what it is.

"That's why you've got us, Ken," I say.

I watch as a wide grin spreads across his features. He doesn't have to say thanks for me to know that he's grateful. 

I sigh, glancing at the note still in Tweek's hands, "I just don't know how this person can just assume things like that when they haven't asked me out."

"You-you'll never like me," Tweek reads aloud, the last line is swallowed up by the emptiness in the room. I replay that one line in my head repeatedly, slightly offended.

_How do they know I won't like them? They haven't tried. Then again, that's easy to say right now, but if I knew who it was, what are the chances of me saying yes?_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, i don't like this chapter as much as the others. it's kind of late rn tho and after a busy school week i am ready as heck to just leave this be for today. i'll probs edit it tomorrow because i'll be less lazy tbh. pls comment and kudos-they really help me get motivated and it's just a nice thing to do. it makes my bad days all nice and happy. it doesn't even gotta be long, anythin is fine. 
> 
> well hope you enjoyed it


	4. Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We got some Creek and some more feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol we've been at the same scene forever  
> when will i move on with the plot? Find out next month

Tweek went back to carefully painting my nails after reading the final line of the emotionally heavy note that I've been carrying around with me all day. Bebe also went back to painting Ken's nails and everything seemed to have gone back to normal for a bit. Ken still seems a little off after our heavy conversation. It's to be expected, though. Talking about feelings is always extremely tiring. Especially when it hits us that all these people we surround ourselves with are incredibly raw with emotion. It's not just me, and while that's comforting, it kind of makes me more sad.

"Kyle?"

I quickly turn towards Kenny, his eyebrows are furrowed in thought and he's biting his bottom lip. For a moment, I swear he looks nervous. "If you found out who this person was, would you give them a chance?"

The question is abrupt and leaves me with my mouth slightly agape. Of course it's crossed my mind that one day I just might meet the person writing me these notes, but I never proceed with how I might deal with it. Am I going to insist that I want to get to know them first? Am I going to instantly agree due to pressure, or because I've become infatuated with this persona I created of them? Maybe I won't even give them a chance. There's too many possibilities, and I think Kenny understands that because he glances down at his hands, refusing to face my way again. In that moment, I realize that Kenny doesn't feel nervous, he feels  _guilty._ He feels incredibly guilty, and maybe-just maybe-it's because he convinced my secret admirer to bring their existence to my attention.

Just as I'm about to open my mouth, Bebe speaks up, "you have something to do with this, don't you, Ken?"

Kenny's head snaps up to meet Bebe's slightly disappointed eyes.

He frowns and nods. I instantly sense the anxious tingling in my hands, the odd sensation in my chest. If this doesn't get less tense, I will literally freak out.

"You clearly have a reason," Tweek says, startling Bebe from scrutinizing Kenny.

She focuses on Tweek, seemingly shocked that he could say such a thing. Meanwhile, Tweek doesn't even bother glancing up from my hands. He lets out a hum of accomplishment when he finally finishes painting my nails. I quietly thank him, and then he lets out a heavy sigh as he tilts his head back, presumably thinking about how to explain himself. I get what he means, though. Kenny doesn't do things unless he wholeheartedly believes it's the right thing to do. Although, I  do get where Bebe is coming from, too. 

"Kenny never do-does anything to intentionally hurt others. Sure, he might-ah-know who Kyle's secret admirer is, but-but it's probably for the best because-"

"Knock, knock, I'm only here for Tweek," a nasally voice interrupts the aforementioned blond mid sentence as Craig lets himself into Bebe's house like he owns the place. 

Tweek immediately lights up, a huge smile overtaking his features when he catches sight of Craig. It's adorable, to be honest. His pixie nose scrunches up and his emerald eyes crinkle at the very corners as he smiles. Craig has about the same smile on his dopey face, his braces visible and bright blue eyes full of emotion that's only reserved for the few things he loves. One of those things is definitely the wild haired boy Craig's tall-ass instantly envelops in his arms when he sits next to Tweek. Tweek lets out a little squeal when Craig sits him in his lap, and the other rests his forehead on the nape of Tweek's neck. I'm almost positive Craig is inhaling his scent because his chest rises and falls at a slower pace.

God, they're too much. I'm almost envious.

"I'll never get over how cute you two are," Bebe gushes, her hands clasped together, clearly happy for her friends. 

Craig turns his head to face Bebe, a smirk visible in his words, "cutest couple in town."

A laugh bubbles out of Tweek as he adoringly mutters a "shut up, Craig."

Craig lets out a huff of amusement before sitting up straight, his neutral expression back into place, "so what was this 'problem' Tweek was texting me about?"

Kenny finally speaks up, "Kyle's got a secret admirer."

I groan loudly and cover my face with the palms of my hands, curling into myself so that I appear physically smaller. Hopefully, the Earth will swallow me whole instead, but I highly doubt I'll be that lucky. 

I feel Kenny pat me on the back sympathetically while Bebe exclaims, "oh, c'mon, Ky! It's not that bad!"

Not  _that_ bad. Oh, gee, thanks. That makes me feel  _so_ much better. I'm instantly not mortified. I've been cured, everybody. Let me just get up, go home, and pretend none of this shit ever happened. I can totally face a brand new day knowing someone out there is going to be completely let down when they actually talk to me. 

"Kyle, I can practically feel the sarcasm rolling off of you in waves."

I whine in response because fuck this. I did not sign up for any of this. 

"What's the big deal?" Craig asks. "So what, dude? You've got a secret admirer."

"I can't have someone _like_ me.  _I_ don't even  _like_ me sometimes! How can someone else?" My response comes out muffled, but I know that they all heard it. 

"Ky-" Bebe starts, her tone that of a protesting mother.

I can feel their eyes on me.

"Just because you don't love yourself, doesn't mean others can't," Craig says.

He says it in his normal voice. He doesn't emphasize it in any way. He doesn't project his voice any more. He doesn't say it in a way that shows that he knows just how profound it is. I swear, I might have actually let out a gasp. Nobody has ever said anything like that to me. I've always been told that in order for me or others to love me I have to learn to love myself. I always accepted that because it seemed reasonable at first, like, why should others love me if I can rarely find anything to love about myself?

No wonder Tweek and him are happier with themselves.

I smile despite myself and remove my hands from my face, looking up only to see Craig still focused on me. His features relax a bit when he sees me, and my smile widens. I then move to lay my head on Kenny's thighs. He's surprised at first, but then starts running his hands through my hair.

"Ya know, you guys are too fucking good to me."

"Oh, Ky, as sappy as all this shit is, we're always going to be here for each other. This shitty town's got us all wrapped up in each other's lives," Kenny murmurs. 

"You can call it what you want: fate, destiny-" Tweek says.

"Bullshit," Bebe pipes in.

Craig lets out a snort when I say, "yeah, it's definitely that one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, it doesn't actually take me another month to update  
> leave comments/kudos it fuels me


	5. A Flower Built a Home Inside My Frigid Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric and Butters are also having their own moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late af, but haPPY NEW TEARS! SO LONG 2016 YOU FUCKIN BINCH
> 
> Listen, 2017, buddy, friend, guy, pal, comrade, the bar is so low please be somewhat kinder to us. It seems like the world is going to shit, but I think as long as we keep living due to spite, happier days will come. Love yourself and those around you. Treat yourself. Listen to good music. Have a good cry sometimes, open up to someone you trust. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm rambling. Idk the new year always gets me kinda sad in a way. 
> 
> Sorry for being gone so long, everyone. School was killing me, and I had finals coming up, and then finals, and then break came up but I had an emergency. I'm okay, though! Everything is fine, don't you worry. I've just got a cold rn, but finally here's the long awaited update. I hope it's alright.

"It's beautiful, don't you think, Eric?"

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh, "it's mediocre at best, but whatever makes you happy, Butters."

Butters' face pinches up for a second before smoothing out into something incredibly gentle. His pretty blue eyes don't gaze at me with sympathy, but with something more akin to understanding. I guess it only makes sense that one of the only other people I've actually gotten close to is Butters. I don't have time for people who remind me of who I am or who I used to be.

"Don't try to placate me, Eric. I'm telling you it's beautiful so that means it's beautiful. I take my poetry very seriously," Butters says with an affable smile gracing his lips. Somehow it still reminds me of a reprimanding mother.

It's kind of nice. Something I'll never really get used to because my own mom is less than ideal.

I snort, "yeah, yeah, I know. You and your poetry." 

Butters laughs, "so dismissive."

He stretches out his legs on his pastel pink bedspread, wiggling his toes for a brief moment. He then leans back into me, resting his head against my chest. I immediately begin running my hands through his short, blond hair. Butters sighs gratefully and nudges back into my hand. I huff out a laugh at the action, looking up at the white ceiling.

"Anyway," Butters continues, "you're hardly one to talk. You write poetry all the time."

I smile, "yeah, and it's fucking gay."

Butters guffaws, curling into himself as he repeats what I said throughout his bouts of laughter.

"Fucking gay! Gay! And you're so gay! Like, we're both gay!" He hollers with laughter while I watch in amusement. At some point, I shove him off my lap and Butters starts stuttering out apologies when his head hits the matress below. It probably would have been more believable if he didn't have a stupid grin on his face.

"Eric," he says softly as he wipes tears of mirth off his face. "We're both gay."

I roll my eyes in mock-irritation, "yeah, we are."

"It's really nice," Butters admits, sounding something close to vulnerable. "I know there's a lot of people who don't like us and that being us is hard most the time, but it's also so _nice._ I don't know, maybe I'm just being dumb." 

"It's not dumb."

Butters flinches at that, like he doesn't expect me to respond. He expected me to simply let his emotions fester in the air between us whilst I ignore my own. I would watch his shoulders sag in uncontained disappointment until eventually the silence swallows up his words and the unmentioned heaviness in his chest gets closer to caving in. 

Butters sits up and turns to face me, eyebrows furrowed and a pout on his lips while he waits for me to say something else.

Usually, I wouldn't say anything, but not today. I can't promise that I'll always be open about shit like this, but I can try. Emotions are complicated. Writing about them and talking about them are two completely different things.

"Whether you're in the closet or out of it, I think it's normal to be proud of who you are. It's more important to love yourself even though some dumbfucks might not accept you."

I glance up at Butters and notice that his eyes are slightly watery. "Don't you start crying on me, right now, Butters. I may be gay, but feelings are too gay, even for me."

Butters exhales loudly in amusement and rolls his eyes at me. A smile graces his lips and I'm, once again, made aware of all the reasons Kenny loves Butters. 

He's so genuine, and for people like Kenny and me who only heard about individuals who blossom with the gentleness of flowers, Butters was a dream. All grace and authenticity, and oh-so-willing to bear the weight of our realities while juggling his own home life. Butters was and remains as a pillar of support that Kenny and I thought was too good for us. He still is too good for me.

He's a dream for broken people. Sadly, South Park is full of teens who shatter without making a sound, and Butters always has his hands full with his friends who crumble right before his eyes. He cuts his benign hands on cruel shards of all our broken childhoods, yet he continues to beam through the experience. 

When will someone be there for Butters when he's slowly, but surely, breaking down?

"Ya know, Butters," I start, refusing to break eye contact with him. He seems startled by all the attention I'm abruptly giving him, but he deserves to at least hear this.

"You're the strongest person I've ever met."

The hiccup and tears that start to cascade down his face are something I should have expected, but it still manages to take me by surprise. I watch Butters wipe his face in vain, his lip trembling, nose crinkled up, and sniffling. I simply extend my arms and let out a grunt when he promptly envelops me in a hug, sobs tearing down at his dainty form.

I wrap my arms around him and listen to every built up fear, irritation, and form of sadness. The bedroom walls watch on in empathy, having seen every struggle Butters faced and glad to witness him being cared for. I could only hug Butters a little tighter. Maybe as a silent promise or reassurance, I'm not too sure. 

Either way, it's all I can do right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lololololol the angst is soooooooooooooooo strong jesus tap dancing christ
> 
> Welllllllll there you go, ive got a week left of break so hopefully I'll update again soon. 
> 
> Pls comment/like, etc it gives me life
> 
> Also, also, also like idk if any of you listen to bts but like namjoon dropped Always on us earlier today and im fucking dying so if anyone wants to talk about that i am always up to talking about it or just in general bts they're my boys and i love them each very much shoot me a message on tumblr at memes4gayteens or say somethin in the comments
> 
> Love you all v much thank you for reading this


	6. First Off, Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banter with Eric and Butters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry about that. I just didn't know how to start this chapter. I had like, two sentences in my drafts for a month, but didn't like it. I finally sat down today and ended up with this. It's mostly just Butters and Eric talking, but I like it. Kinda lets you peak into their relationship a bit more. 
> 
> Idk if this matters, but I listened to one song the entire time I wrote this. It's called Spring Again by Cao Lu ft. Kisum and Yerin. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it!

"Soooo..." I glance up from my notebook when I hear Butter's voice break the comfortable silence. I debate whether or not to put down my pen, or if I should attempt to finish what I just started. Eventually, I put everything aside and focus on Butters who has his knees up to his chest. He looks smaller than usual, but also more content than he'd previously been. He probably just needed a good cry. Everyone does every once in a while.

"What's up?" 

Butter's purses his lips and chews on his upper lip, "why Kyle? Like, what about him made you fall for him? It had to be something in particular before you began to put it into words," he reasons.

I let out a huff of amusement. Of course Butters would be the one to ask me something like that. I guess it's only fair. I don't exactly let anyone read the poems I write for Kyle. If I show anything to Butters it's a line or a stanza just to see how that particular part sounds. Now if Kyle is showing others the notes I'm giving him then that's an entirely different subject altogether. To be honest, though, I'm not completely sure how to answer Butter's question. It's kind of always been there. I just needed to actually acknowledge that it existed and when that happened I realized I was fucked. 

 "I kind of woke up one morning and thought, ' _I'm gay for Kyle'_ and it only goes downhill from there."

A laugh bubbles out of Butters, "shut up. I'm being serious."

I smile, "yeah, unfortunately, I'm being serious, too."

Butters stretches out his legs on the bed and covers his grin with his hand. A muffled  _'you're joking, right?'_ follows and for once, I seriously wish I was. Despite my sudden urge to lie about the entire situation, I nod my head. I watch the blond's eyes get squinty as suppressed giggles fill the room. His breath hitches when he exclaims, "you had gayness thrust upon you! I'm-"

His laugh rolls over the previous quiet in the room and while part of me is somewhat indignant, I can't help but laugh along with him. 

"Shut up, Butters. Not even."

"Metaphorically speaking-"

"Oh no, here we go," I roll my eyes. "I'm supposed to be the one with the metaphors, not you."

"Wait, wait," he quickly moves to sit next to me. "Just hear me out."

I cross my arms over my chest, "and why should I?'

Butters snorts, "'cause I'm cute and also I spend a lot of time with Ken so that means I'm an expert at everything now, so ssshhh."

"Uh, I beg to differ, but okay."

Butters crosses his legs and looks at me with what is most likely his serious face. I can't believe this kid just told me he knows everything just because he's with Kenny. If that were true I would probably be Jesus right now. I swear he's been picking up way too many of my bad personality traits.

"Alright, so, you've been surrounded by the same people you're entire life," he says while ignoring my sarcastic  _'way to figure that out, Sherlock.'_ "I think it's only natural you would either end up with someone or be totally disgusted by all of us. There's no inbetween."

I raise my eyebrow at that. I mean, he's not wrong.

"Also, Kyle was like, the only person who could ever tell you your shit back then. I mean, Stan and the others could try, but that didn't mean anything to you. It was kind of natural for you to fall for Kyle."

 _Almost as natural as breathing._ It's unspoken, but it rests in the space between us.

"Maybe Kenny has been teaching you somethin' besides sucking dick," I concede.

Butters sputters hopelessly at that. His face begins to turn blotchy out of embarrassment. "Okay, first off, bitch. Second, fuck you. Third, if you're going to be an ass about it, I learned a lot more than just sucking dick."

I physically feel my face scrunch up in disgust. "Listen, I enjoy being right, but I did not need to know more about your sex life. I might have sucked Kenny's dick once upon a time, but like, no."

"Dude, you touched my dick, too."

I groan in frustration, "I thought we weren't going to talk about that."

Butters pats me on the back comfortingly before abruptly stopping, "oh, was that the general consensus 'cause like, yikes..." he says while glancing away from me.

I immediately glare at him, "Butters, I swear to god."

"I didn't tell anybody!" He yells. He stops for a moment before adding in, "okay, I didn't tell  _that_ many people."

I sigh loudly, "Butters, I cannot believe-"

"Oh, you better believe it."

"You're a little shit, you know that, right?" I say fondly.

Butters nods, "I learned from the best."

It's said in a soft, quiet way. Almost like a precious secret, but before I can reply he says, "and no, I'm not talking about you."

Laughs ring out in Butter's bedroom and the day continues like that. Yeah, I think everything's gonna be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaahhh, I'm so happy. This is going pretty well so far, I think. Also, all of you who comment make me so happy. I got a comment about a week ago that really motivated me to finally get this out to you all, so thanks! I really hope you all liked this. I know it's short, but hopefully I'll come out with something longer next chapter. 
> 
> Please, comment/kudos it really makes my day
> 
> Thank you for reading
> 
> EDIT 4/4/17: So I'm sittin in bed at like 11 pm right now and I'm thinkin about this fanfic while listening to gfriend and y'all i think i just found out where im going with this whee boy there is going to be pining and really stupid boys that's all i can say rn cz wow this might actually not be a shit ton of angst lol


	7. "What the Fuck is Going On?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle gets a text message and everybody except Craig freaks out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short and mostly them talking. I was typing this yesterday and then somehow it got deleted, so I basically scrapped everything I had planned and then rewrote it today because I was pissed off. Hopefully, I've learned my lesson, but I doubt it.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like this. There's an ass ton of swearing, but are any of you surprised?

Maybe sitting on Bebe's carpet floor would be more enjoyable if I didn't completely hate the movie we're watching right now. I've thought about pulling out my phone for about the hundreth time but haven't just because that's rude as fuck. Usually I wouldn't actually care, but I know that doing that would hurt Bebe's feelings, so I'm being a nice person and putting up with this shit fest. I roll my eyes as some secondary character dies on screen. Honestly, that could have been avoided if everyone in the film wasn't such a fucking idiot. 

Tweek lets out an amused laugh as somebody else dies on screen. At least he's enjoying this piece of cinematic trash. He's more laughing at how ridiculous it is, but he likes it to a certain extent. That is until everything gets unnecessarily sexual. After that, nobody wants to continue watching the movie. I throw my hands up in frustration as a heterosexual couple makes out on screen and blah-blah-blah. Craig frowns at the t.v. while Tweek's face twists in distaste. 

"Great, glad we all hate this shitty movie. Can we change it now?" I gesture towards the screen, eyebrows raised in question as I look at Bebe.

"Boy, to be honest, I don't know where the control is-" Bebe shrugs as if this isn't actually life or death "-and I'm too lazy to look for it."

"I'll look for it." Kenny sets aside the peanut butter cookies he had been eating and gets up from his own spot on the floor. He briefly stretches once he's stood up and brushes off any crumbs that were on his clothes. 

"You're a life saver, Ken," Bebe says.

"Yeah, yeah, do you remember where you might have left it?"

"Lol, no. I saw it last when I was in the kitchen."

"Since I'm doing this," Kenny says while heading towards the kitchen, "you can't say anything when I come out with like, a sandwhich or whatever."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Ken. Mi casa is your casa and all that shit."

Craig snorts, "that's not even how the saying goes."

Bebe rolls her eyes at him, "sorry, Craig. Not everybody knows Spanish like you."

I furrow my eyebrows, "but like, you don't even have to know Spanish for that. It's a common phrase-"

Bebe makes a face before laying down on the carpet floor. She stretches out her body and then turns to face me. She looks like she doesn't give a single shit about what I'm trying to say so I just stop talking. I shouldn't even waste my breath right now, I swear.

"Whatever, I was just trying to inform you," I sass while facing away from Bebe. 

She looks like she's going to chew me out, but then my phone vibrates. I immediately pull it out of the pocket of my sweater. Sliding my thumb accross the screen, I'm not too sure what I expected. Part of me thought it was another university I'm not interested in going to sending me an email, or maybe my phone company bitching me out about mobile data usage. Either way, it definitely isn't what I got. At this point, Tweek removed himself from Craig's lap and is leaning over my shoulder to peek. Craig is carefully watching us, and Bebe is whining about wanting to know what's going on.

"Get your ass up and look for yourself," Craig says to the blonde. His gaze is still focused on us completely. 

Bebe continues to whine, but Tweek's outburst of "holy fuck" shuts her up. This is perhaps the quickest I have ever seen Bebe get up in my entire life. If it weren't for me actually choking, I would be more amazed. Sadly, I am choking, so I'm more horrified than amazed. I've somehow skipped the first six stages of grief and accepted that I'm absolutely going to die. Man, I won't even get to graduate. This is how I die and it's so sad. These assholes are going to have to tell my parents how I died and it's going to be mortifying even in death. I can't believe this is how it ends. I haven't even lost my virginity yet! Why couldn't death wait?

"Ky, breathe. You're not gonna d-die, you overdramatic gay," Tweek says harshly, but his hand soothingly rubbing my back contradicts his tone of voice.

At that moment, Kenny walks into the living room again. He has the control remote in one hand and a sandwhich in the other. He's already taken a bite out of the sandwhich and (much to my displeasure) talks with his mouth full.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Bebe snatches my phone from my hand, "hell no, binch. What the fuck?" She stands up in order to keep the phone out of my reach.

Tweek gets up instantly to read the message again.

"Wow, firefox, I didn't know you had other friends," Kenny says jokingly. 

I shoot him a glare as he laughs at what he said. Why do I even put up with this?

"It's fucking Eric!" Bebe announces.

This time, Kenny's the one who's choking. He manages to swallow the food in his mouth and then proceeds to gape at me. 

_"Wait, what?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like, I hope y'all enjoyed this trash
> 
> Please comment and leave kudos it really motivates me. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please, comment or leave kudos. It really motivates me. I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I can! I hope you liked it, and if you ever wanna send me a message you can find me on tumblr at memes4gayteens.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it and it makes my gay ass heart unfreeze for a little bit.


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